This morning at 4am, I heard 3 beeps from Dex coming through the baby monitor. I quickly jumped up to check her BG. She was 78 with an arrow going down-ish. I grabbed some juice and had her drink. Her eyes were still closed. She is a pro at drinking in her sleep.
When she was done she rolled over, eyes still closed. I thought she was asleep.
"Mommy?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you think my A1C will be better next time?"
I felt a heaviness in my heart.
"I think so. But don't worry about that."
I kissed her and told her to go back to sleep.
Then I cried.
She is 10 and she has the worries of an adult. I knew she thought about things like her A1C. She talks about it at each appointment. But in between those appointments I just want her to be a kid. When she asked this question, it really made me wonder. How much does she worry and not tell me? How much does she think about this? Is my obsessing getting to her too?
I thought about all the times that she looks at Dex and proudly says "Look at my 3 hour!" when there is a straight line. Or the times that she looks upset when her 3 hour isn't good. I recall the sad looks on her face when her BG is higher than it should be. Or when she wants a snack with that high BG and then goes to look for something carb free instead of something she REALLY wants. She doesn't argue or complain because she knows what is best for her.
When she was sick a couple of weeks ago, she actually asked to go to the hospital because she knew something wasn't right. She knew she needed to be seen. She decided before I even knew how sick she really was.
She has taken on more worry than a 10 year old should ever have to. It just breaks my heart that she has so much on her mind. I hadn't really thought about it until her question this morning. But now I know it's on her mind as well and I'm not so sure I have been handling this the right way, or if my worry shows so much that it stresses her out too.
How do I take that worry away? How can I make her just be a kid and leave the worrying to me?
As if having Type 1 doesn't have enough complications, this is just one more. Yet another reason why I really do hate this disease.
Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThis really tugs deep, my friend. I completely relate to the conflicted feelings of pride when you see her making healthier choices for herself...yet sadness, because she has to think about how her decisions will impact her blood sugars.
It's a fine line....this pride and this sadness.
Oh Kris! I can only imagine how hard that was. I am guilty of it too... Sugar Boy, even at the age of 4 feels the stress and worry of D. I have to remind myself to take a step back and NOT over-manage. Because if I do... he notices. Its a very HARD line to walk. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThis is tough. Justin is also 10 and I know he worries more than he lets on. Part of me wants to take all that worry away, but a super small part of me is glad he is aware. The teen years(and adulthood for that matter) will be here before we know it. They need to be aware enough to WANT to take care of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI only hope that I have handled myself in such a way that it doesn't make him too hard on himself.
Does any of that make sense?
I can imagine how hard that was for u to hear, but it sounds like u r teaching her to take great care of herself and at the end of the day that is the most important thing. Its wonderful but sad at the same time :)
ReplyDeleteWow she sounds so responsible Kris. These kids mature beyond their years quickly. I don't know that there is any other way to live with "D". The diligence ages you...it ages me...it ages our children.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
This is one of the toughest parts of this I think...or at least it is for me at the moment. Charlotte and I had a conversation on Sunday night...she came into my room pretty late and curled up with me and we had a very sweet heart to heart where she shared with me that she's scared that of having a low at school with no one around who understands (and unfortunately I found out that earlier this year she reported a low to a sub who noted her sugar (52) and then told her she couldn't have a juice because it wasn't snack time....she was smart and snuck some glucose tabs and later told her para...needless to say school will be getting a call). It's just sad that these kids have to worry about such things! I agree with Reyna...I think D does cause them to mature beyond their years more quickly.
ReplyDeleteawww. she sounds like a wonderful little girl. you must be so proud. i get your sadness but what really sucks is how diabetes just has to be faced head on for what it is - all day everyday management. the emotional stuff is much more complicated.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm nieve, but I think our D kids ponder these things in their mind without "worrying" per say. I think they are aware of the dangers with D, but even more aware that us Moms fight a mighty battle keeping them healthy and safe as much as we possibly can. "Thinking" about things, and "worrying" about things is very different.
ReplyDeleteIt all sucks though, and hurts my heart too whether they worry or not! -GASP!-
You Mamas are being too hard on yourself. Now that I am an adult, I look back, and I wouldn't think that I worried about it the same as parents do. I just knew I concerned about those things. Teaching your children about these things makes them cope better, the older they get. I know I am not a mom, and it must just hurt to have your baby make comments like that.
ReplyDeleteYou are all doing your best, and although it's so hard now, your children will grow into amazing adults that can do anything, and have the compassion, and life experience that others don't have! Hang in there mamas! You are their heroes, you just don't know it yet! :)
Kris, it really tugs at the heart strings to hear comments like that. But at the same time, what a wonderfully smart little girl! I hate that they have to even know what A1C means!
ReplyDeleteHi! I just found your blog. please check mine out at www.type1diabetic3yearold.blogspot.com. our daughter was just diagnosed 4 weeks ago. we also have a large family like you and an older daughter diagnosed with aspergers. jennifer
ReplyDelete