This morning at 4am, I heard 3 beeps from Dex coming through the baby monitor. I quickly jumped up to check her BG. She was 78 with an arrow going down-ish. I grabbed some juice and had her drink. Her eyes were still closed. She is a pro at drinking in her sleep.
When she was done she rolled over, eyes still closed. I thought she was asleep.
"Do you think my A1C will be better next time?"
I felt a heaviness in my heart.
"I think so. But don't worry about that."
I kissed her and told her to go back to sleep.
Then I cried.
She is 10 and she has the worries of an adult. I knew she thought about things like her A1C. She talks about it at each appointment. But in between those appointments I just want her to be a kid. When she asked this question, it really made me wonder. How much does she worry and not tell me? How much does she think about this? Is my obsessing getting to her too?
I thought about all the times that she looks at Dex and proudly says "Look at my 3 hour!" when there is a straight line. Or the times that she looks upset when her 3 hour isn't good. I recall the sad looks on her face when her BG is higher than it should be. Or when she wants a snack with that high BG and then goes to look for something carb free instead of something she REALLY wants. She doesn't argue or complain because she knows what is best for her.
When she was sick a couple of weeks ago, she actually asked to go to the hospital because she knew something wasn't right. She knew she needed to be seen. She decided before I even knew how sick she really was.
She has taken on more worry than a 10 year old should ever have to. It just breaks my heart that she has so much on her mind. I hadn't really thought about it until her question this morning. But now I know it's on her mind as well and I'm not so sure I have been handling this the right way, or if my worry shows so much that it stresses her out too.
How do I take that worry away? How can I make her just be a kid and leave the worrying to me?
As if having Type 1 doesn't have enough complications, this is just one more. Yet another reason why I really do hate this disease.