Monday, August 20, 2012

My Worry

It's been almost 8 years since Bee's T1 diagnosis.

But my worry didn't start then.

It's been over 10 years since she was in the hospital with what we found out after a week and a half in the PICU were PAVM's. Stealing her oxygen, making her weak and, as I was told, may have taken her from us had we waited one more day to bring her in.

But my worry didn't start then.

It's been 12 years since the first time I took her to the ER. Lips blue, gasping for air and coughing from what I now know was asthma (and possibly the early stages of her problems with the PAVM's).

But my worry didn't start then either.

My worry started the day I became a mother. Even with a perfectly healthy son, my worry started then.

You never know what can happen. And as a new mom, you just....worry. What if they get sick? What if something happens while they sleep? What if, what if, what if...

Then the "What if" did happen. We were close to losing our sweet girl, and although my worry had always been there, it was amplified by a million.

There are times when I think about how close we came to losing her. Every morning when I walk in her bedroom to wake her up, I worry that I won't be able to.

There. I said it "out loud". I worry that she won't wake up.

I know we all do it. Parents of perfectly healthy children worry about it occasionally. But I worry EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. And it's scary.

This week, I am feeling a hundred times more emotional than normal. This week I know a mother who lost her child. Her son was a good friend of my son. He was only 15. I attended his memorial service on Saturday and my heart broke into a million pieces. For his family, for my son, for every parent who ever lost a child.

And it made me mad. Knowing this can happen, it made me angry. And yes, it made me question things.

I don't want to spend my whole life worrying about the "what if's". I've been letting it take over my life. I really have. There are nights when I just can't sleep because I am so scared of something happening. Bee hasn't been to a sleepover at a friends house, because I am too worried something may happen. I worry. A lot. And I feel like I'm wasting precious moments by doing that.

All of my feelings are very valid, I know. But If I worry constantly, like I have been, it's going to take some of the joy away from being a mom to my fabulous kids.

But how do I get past this? How do I stop worrying SO much that it consumes me as much as it has been? It has been going on for SO long now, that I don't know if I will ever stop worrying this much. And really, how much is too much? Is this bordering on crazy?

Maybe talking it out might help? Maybe hearing that others feel this way too? Or that it's normal with what we are dealing with? I don't know.

But I really would like to enjoy my children, without this constant worry hanging over me. I just don't know how to make it go away.

3 comments:

  1. I know what you mean. I am a constant worrier. I invent things to worry about. And then I worry that I'm missing something by worrying so much. It's a vicious cycle but definitely one you're not alone in.
    I don't know how to make it go away, either. I think it's something that just comes along with this role as mom and parent. Although my husband doesn't worry nearly as much as me.
    Just know you're not alone and as soon as I figure out how NOT to worry I will pass along my sage advice!

    ;)

    Prayers and healing thoughts to your friend and the entire family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahhhh worry. I know worry all too well. No wise words on how to make it go away, just know that I get it. Maybe more Moms night outs and talk therapy will help? Wishful thinking, but worth a try!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your fears are absolutely justified. I also worry. About all sorts of things. Some more pressing than others. I have to make choices to confront some of my thoughts especially the ones that stay unspoken, they can gain speed and grow wings...if you know what i mean and really take off. Have you gone through any counselling. Talking to someone might really help. I heard some type 1 mums talking abt some natural anxiety drops they were taking, may also be of benefit. BIG HUGSxx.

    ReplyDelete

I love getting comments but as you can see, my blog is now somewhat anonymous. So please, if you know them, try not to use my kids real names. Just in case, all comments are moderated. Thank you so much! Comment away!